Glitter

"All that glitters is not gold."

I wrote that on Facebook a few days ago, for so many different reasons. 

One of my biggest beliefs is that we need to be authentic with one another. That's pretty hard to do on Facebook or Instagram, right? I picture people looking at my Facebook posts and seeing our happy smiling children or our vacations and beach excursions, and thinking to themselves that we must have it together. I mean in one sense, we do have an amazingly wonderful and happy life. But truth be told, we have so many struggles and hard ships like everyone else. We struggle, we fall, and we get back up again. Our glitter certainly isn't always gold. And I will be the first one to tell you that if you ask me. If you want to know about the adorable picture of my kids reading together, I will definitely share with you that before that picture was taken there was crying and time outs. Or that lovely picture of my husband and I looking perfectly happy, let's be honest we had fought and struggled for weeks with our marriage. Those pictures that we post, they are moments. Happy and perfect moments among the celebrations and crazy messes of life!

Along the same lines I have heard and read about people going through hard times. And they all wonder the same thing, "Why me, God." How come so-and-so doesn't struggle? Why do they have financial security, why do they have a perfect marriage, why do they have friends, and vacations? How come they are not mourning, dealing with depression, or fighting with others. Why? When you ask those questions, just remember, "All that glitters is not gold." I don't care who you are; everyone has something, or many things, or big messes. Everyone has hurts, hang-ups, or challenges. We all feel pain. It's inevitable. Do not let anyone make you feel inferior because they have it together. Impossible. We all live this same God-given life and it's not easy. Of course there are people that deal with challenges and sorrows far above my own realm of understanding. I can't imagine their fight. But at the end of the day, everyone lays their head on the pillow with their own insecurities, defeats, challenges, and secrets. Because that is just life. And maybe a lot of people go to bed at night with peace in their hearts and joy in their breath, that's how God wants us to live by faith, but they still bleed like everyone else.

This world is just as imperfect as it is wonderful. We all fight battles, have times of deep regret, live moments of extreme joy, lose ourselves in pain, and walk this earth with one another. Share the truths of your life with each other. And when your life is really glittery and amazing, serve others by reminding them that your glitter is not always gold. And then pour your time, love, and kindness all over them. 

Moving in Faith

When we decided to move to San Diego, leaving Brody's school in OC was really hard for me. Today at our first Friday Flag of the year, I feel so lucky that God has gifted our decision to follow His lead by landing us at an amazing elementary school that has met all of my expectations. Sometimes God opens doors for us that are scary and require a huge leap of faith, but He WILL bless our faithfulness in ways that He knows are important to us. I am so glad we moved in faith instead of letting fear hold us back. 

"So do not fear, for I am with you." -Isaiah 41:10

Life and Railroad Tracks

Things haven't been so easy lately. The strangest part about it is that it's not so much to do with the move. I really like where we live and things have settled nicely. But life has changed and I am still struggling to catch up, which weirdly feels like slowing down. Cryptic right?

God certainly opened a door for our move, and it's a beautifully sunny and gorgeous door. A door that has provided more calm and more time in my life. Not only that, this move has really gotten our finances in order. Over the last few months I have been able to do amazing things to get our financial stability up. It's been a pretty amazing transformation and I can see a light at the end of that tunnel. A financial tunnel we have been in for quite a long time. Money is a whole different value in our lives now, and while I miss having more of it, I am so thankful for everything given. It's a story that proves God exists and He shows up through our financial health continuously. Pretty amazing in my eyes. God has brought us a long way!

But personally I have been struggling. This week my eyes have been opened to what I haven't been able to see. And you know what, the eye opening part is always the start to a new road. A call to action. Sometimes even God's push. Because I know that He loves me and that He speaks to me all of the time. But sometimes He needs to be louder than others, and right now is one of those times. He has been in my head constantly over the last few weeks. And when He is louder, you must meet him there. In words, in actions, and in pain. So that's where I am. I am going to have to meet Him, ask from Him, share with Him, and trust Him.

I read this little tidbit from an email this morning:

He explained that life is not a roller coaster with up’s and down’s, but rather a set of railroad tracks where we endure suffering and blessing simultaneously.

I feel this. We all suffer from different afflictions, through our own circumstances, and in our own ways. I only share this because maybe you need to meet Him there as well, and if you do, just know you are not alone.


 

Someone else

Someone else's story is not your story, no matter how much you want it to be. And that's a good thing. They may have your dream, but they don't have your purpose.


 

Growing

Why did God send us to San Diego? I have no idea. I don't mean that in a complaining way, I mean it in the way where I am excited to some day figure out the reason. Until then I am perfectly content in this new city and it feels like home. It's so weird to have this deep peace in a place where I don't know anyone around me. Last weekend I felt an emptiness when walking up to my son's baseball game. If we were home I would have passed many friends and acquaintances walking into the sports park. I would have seen an old friend or waved to a new one. Back in Orange County there was an abundance of friendships around me. And yet here, no matter where I go, I won't see anyone I know. And while I can acknowledge that emptiness inside of me and say it out loud, I am still filled. Filled with peace and joy. I'm not worried about it; I'm not devastated about it. That alone proves God is real. He has filled me with contentment to make this transition smooth. He has sent a steady stream of visiting friends, emails, and text messages. I just need to keep myself level. Reminding myself that life takes time, and if I continually put myself out there, God will provide what I need. After all, He opened this door.

We went to church in Orange County last weekend. My church home for the last 22 years. It filled me up. I saw friends, gave hugs, had conversations, and felt part of a bigger whole. It was perfect, and it was a reminder that God fills you up when you need it. That if you trust Him, He will make sure that you are filled spiritually and emotionally. And while I was there, He reminded me through His message that I have a job to do.... I have to keep sharing His word, no matter where I am. He has been reminding me this over and over again, in church, in a book, and in my heart. That my biggest obstacle right now isn't lack of new relationships, because I have love no matter where I am. My biggest obstacle is myself. The block I have put in my heart that has kept me from writing and sharing how God works in my own life. The purpose He has given me for right now. This block, whatever it is, has kept me from growing. And it is an obstacle I have to overcome. I have to find my voice again, because that is when I am closest to Him.

And today I am doing just that.

God will fill you with what you need when you need it, but He will keep reminding you of where you need to go. He will give you peace, and yet push you to grow. He will open a door, and yet ask you to keep moving. Because that is where you will find Him.

 

Joy

Today I am in full realization that you make your life what it is. I'm not talking about circumstances, because we can't help all of those, but about the joy you feel in all circumstances.

It's funny how my life has become far more complicated, and yet so much easier all at the same time. The job Mark started back in November has crazy hours. I am pretty much a single mom most of the week and I have really had to adjust to this new life at home. And yet, our move to a new city managed to free up my time. Getting away from the hustle and bustle that I was in has literally changed everything. I haven't made new friends yet, and I don't have a time-eating volunteer position any more. So my time, well it's all for the kids, the house, and I am always available. My priorities have completely changed, and to be honest, taking care of three kids without a lot of help has soaked up all of that extra time anyways. I work a little during the week on my computer, but I am never bored. I am filled.

Every day I remind myself not to worry. I tell myself not to worry that I haven't made friends yet (let alone talked to more than two people). I tell myself not to worry that I haven't found a church yet. I tell myself not to worry about money. And I don't worry about it. Why? Because God WILL provide. God is not going to open a door, let me walk through, and not provide. If He sends me here, in His time I will have new friends, a church home, and everything else that I need. I know that. God is a loving God, but for any one to believe that things will be easy is a joke. God purposely doesn't hand over everything that you need all in one lump. What could we possibly learn from that? What could we possibly give from that? God has a plan and that plan will lie out as He sees fit.

I find that it's best to find joy in the imperfections. Of course I have bad days where I'm ready to throw in the towel. I yell at the kids more than I should. I feel down. But the best thing to do is find joy in the gifts God gives. I love this house we are living in. I love the weather outside. I love our new little life here, even if there are some holes missing. And I feel joy in all of this. Every day when I wake up and walk downstairs, I look around, and see that God has placed a blessing in our lives that is part of His plan. And knowing that I am on His journey for my life has been the most rewarding feeling I have ever felt in my faith, despite all of the things that are still missing.

My exhausted, lonely heart is full of joy!


 

Living our new life

Today I am officially feeling settled. We have not just arrived; we are living our new life. The grocery store has been established, I know how to get to Target without using my phone's GPS, and we no longer have to look in boxes for misplaced items. Life is back to a new normal and in a new place.

I feel overwhelmingly blessed.

I have had so many different things on my mind and I am excited to be able to begin to put them on paper to share about God's love, about walking in His door, and about taking a leap of faith. About how much sunshine you feel, but also how hard to it can be. And to think; it's all just starting for me. This year isn't specifically about faith or hope like the last two years, it's about learning to take that faith and hope you have acquired and use it while following God's plans for your life. Big plans, little plans, near plans, far away plans, and plans that you don't even know are there. I feel like I am taking a big step in my spiritual life by trusting God completely, listening to His plans, and learning to adjust in all situations, with hope and the knowledge that God is with me.

My life is certainly not perfect, but it's the one He has chosen for me and I am going to make the best of it. And it sure doesn't hurt that the sun is shining and the weather is amazing!


 

We Are Here

We have moved....our new adventure has begun! As I type this, we are still surrounded by boxes and minor chaos. There is still so much to do and so many boxes to put away. Getting use to a new city is no easy matter. It's been a little unnerving trying to find where we need to go, and overwhelming with how many places there are to go to. For the most part we have just been hunkered down unpacking. I am looking forward to next week when we will have a normal routine and school will start. I feel like life will start to move again then.

I was really worried about Brody's new school, worried that it wouldn't be a good fit. It's hard to go from a school you chose, to one where you are zoned. God has constantly reminded me that He sent me here and He would take care of my worries. And so I walked nervously into a meeting I had set up with the principal, but was put at ease once I realized what I was walking into. God knows my worries and my cries and He will provide. After the meeting I felt so much better and my heart knows that it's going to be okay.

Nothing is easy, not even walking into God's open door. But I have promised myself that no matter how lonely or frustrated I feel, I will have a good attitude. I will make it work. I will be thankful for what has been given. And even though our finances are as tight as ever right now, I know that it all has a purpose. That this exact time is meant to strengthen us in whatever ways God sees fit. And until then, I sit in a beautiful house in the midst of circumstances that cannot be described as luck, but more an answer to prayers.


 

God's Move

In three days we will be moving our little family to a new home, in a new city, in a new county. Thank goodness it's not too far away from everything I love. But, as the time draws near it's hard not to be a little shocked at the reminders of what we are leaving behind. This week has been bittersweet.

Today I cried saying goodbye to Piper's preschool teachers. They are the best kind. The kind that give extra hugs and little kisses at final goodbyes. The kind that makes a special book with drawings from friends and creates a cover that reminds her that she will be missed. When she asks me why she has to leave, I ask myself, "how can you take her away from this perfection?" And my only answer is, "this is God's move and that's where I want to be."

One last time to the pharmacist and the assistant that I adore. She remembers me by heart and we have our own little friendship. I'm not sure that exists at pharmacies in other places, but it does for me here. I have to remind myself, "this is God's move and that's where I want to be."

Thinking about leaving the pediatrician that knows my babies and has gotten me through so many ups and downs is devastating. The one that returns my calls and genuinely cares about my family. Someone I trust completely with all of my children's medical needs and decisions. Someone I always said could never be replaced. But now I have to replace him and I'm not sure it will ever be the same. I have to remind myself, "this is God's move and that's where I want to be."

In two days we will say goodbye to a school that I prayed for. A school that you can't just go back to once you leave. A school that supports a parent's choice and refuses to allow your child to be ordinary. A school that I dedicated my time to. A school where I have forged friendships and partnerships. And yet we are leaving, and I have to accept a new educational route that was not in my plan. Again, I have to remind myself, "this is God's move and that's where I want to be."

So many goodbyes this week. To guitar teachers, acting programs, neighbors, new friends, acquaintances, familiarity, and the chance that it is all for the last time. You realize that over time you have built this amazing life full of people in all corners that have given you so much, and it's really sad to say goodbye. People you love in your own way. People who make up your ordinary, everyday life. And as I shed tears for the loss of this amazing ensemble, I take a breath and remind myself, "this is God's move and that's where I want to be."

God heard my prayers and this is His answer. I will not let this door close; I am barging in to our new adventure. I want the story He chooses for us. I want this chapter to begin. I trust God.

And so I will shed a few more tears this week. Tears of sadness and gratitude. Tears for goodbyes that may or may not be forever. Tears for dreams that have changed. But you better bet, that in those tears you will find my heart tugging to start God's new plan for us. A plan that will be hard at times and will require me to be faithful and patient. A plan that makes me move further away from my parents and sisters, and yet gives me so much peace that I don't wince at the suggestion of change. A plan that God staged just for us. I am so ready for God's move, that is where I want to be.